We were celebrities in our own minds. It didn’t matter that we had been isolated for the previous twenty-three hours; we were the stars of the sixty minutes we had when we came out of our caves. We demanded attention, a redirect from the death we were racing towards. We put on an outfit of all-together and a mask of stability while we were actually getting swallowed in the quicksand of desperation and defeat.
We owned the rooms confidently, protecting against the big reveal. We were sure of our successful performance and systematically celebrated in style, save the paper bag. As divas, we demanded the best for ourselves: our favorite food, our style of entertainment, and, of course, our brand of drink - only blue M&Ms and no watermelon.
What we know now is that those around us were not fooled. We became sloppy in our presentation, and our wit wore thin. Humor turned to hurt, and distance replaced closeness. We found we were performing to a dwindling audience and, near the end, were left with a mere fraction of what once was.
A moment in time caused a reset beyond explanation. Sure, we could explain the desperation. We could describe the devastation that we had landed in. The why was as certain as the what. As we could no longer muster the momentum to meaninglessness, a stark pivot moved us to a mending period that was as difficult as it was rewarding.
At the center of our sobriety was the shift from selfish to selfless. Though unfathomable to our old selves, this transfer of attention is the secret sauce to our new existence. This epiphany did not come from a flash in the sky but from the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). The power of an AA meeting is near-indescribable. It is, for us, the foundation for better living. The one hour guides us in how to act the next twenty-three. We map out meaning for the day ahead through the sanctioned literature and the shares of previous prima donnas.
Anxiety, depression, and our tendency to withdraw evaporate the more we practice what we learn from those committed to health recovery. Self-sabotage and the collateral damage that comes with it subside as we seek to serve others inside and outside of the sobriety community.
The twenty-three hours we spend on life’s stage today are filled with authenticity in emotions, physical wellness, and spiritual growth. What we accomplish in our waking hours amazes us and those around us. We are blown away by the here that we live in.
We now isolate with soldiers of sobriety for an hour and then attack life with a vigor we never knew we possessed for the balance of the day—a stark contradiction to our old ways.
All we were ever looking for was an escape from our reality, and now we embrace the details that have brought us to this uniquely beautiful place. Our sobriety brought us to a place of real spirituality, and it is that that sustains our every breath.
Today, we eat all-color M&Ms and indulge in whatever healthy food is in front of us. Today, we are not the center of the game of life but the concierge to our contingent. We had taken for so long that we missed the benefit of the give. Today, we go to bed exhausted from the consumption of clarity.
Pinch me.
Thoughts and ideas for this blog post were taken and built upon from a sober.coffee bonus podcast #184 titled “Safe and Sound - sipping coffee with TJ.” The podcast dropped on 6/15/2022. Click here to hear the podcast.
Photo by Agê Barros on Unsplash
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Alcoholics Anonymous and AA are registered trademarks of Alcoholics World Service. Inc. References to AA, the 12 steps, and 12 traditions does not mean that AA has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication nor that AA agrees with the views expressed herein. This publication is intended to support personal growth and should not be considered a substitute for healthcare professionals' advice. The author’s advice and viewpoints are their own.
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